Posted: September 23, 2014 in Jungle Work Life
I just wanted to say hello.
I can’t think of one thing to blog about and this goes totally against my Pharisaical tendency to look WordPress righteous. Yet, this feels so liberating and it does not feel lazy as I once thought.
I think my gift of sarcasm might have found a new outlet….hmmmm….
Have a great day in the Concrete Jungle and don’t hurt anybody!
One reason why office rage should be legal
Recently I saw a clip from a movie that centered on the idea of legalized crime without police intervention. Not that the idea is all that far-fetched but it was a curious one. Then while watching one of the GRIMM episodes of season two, Sergeant Wu made a comment about office rage. Oh yeah! An idea was born.
As I ferociously scribbled with unadulterated inspiration an image of what the Corporate Hood would look like, it occurred to me that out of this magnanimous chaos the blessedness of the short-term benefits: less stress, decreased gastrointestinal problems, reduced anxiety, and uninterrupted sleep. Now that sounds like the good life. Granted, in order to meet service benchmarks and facilitate organizational management, we would solicit the assistance of the National Guard or Navy Seal for law and order. I know, someone out there over the rainbow would say this is tragic and inhumane. Yeah, but in a self-centered, arrogant, self-absorbed god-like analysis, we might conclude the ends will justify the means.
So. Here. We. Go.
WARNING: Incorporating such tactics could get you killed or worse, fired from your job.
1. Inordinate use of descriptive and colorful expletives to get your points across during team meetings.
2. Cursing customers or terrorizing them by hanging up and calling back just for kicks and giggles.
3. Using the “birdie” as a definitive way of saying “no.”
4. Egging your boss’ office.
5. Looting the vending machine.
6. Trashing the coffee machine. (I would highly advise against this if the brands are Starbucks or Keurig)
7. Carjacking the CEO.
8. Vandalizing the bathroom. (Actually, this might be an improvement)
9. Stealing your co-worker’s lunch. (Of course this is nothing new)
10. Driving your car through the front door.
Posted: September 16, 2014 in Jungle Hustle, Rat Race Saga
Tags: car jacking, coming to work looking like a hot mess, corporate hood, cursing out customers, expletives, flipping your boss, Keurig, law and order, legalized, office rage, rat race, Starbucks, stealing lunch, team meetings, trash, vandalism, vandalizing the bathroom, vending machine
Work hard play hard. Isn’t that what they always say? Well, sometimes working hard and playing hard seems to yield fruitless results, unappreciated overtime, and constant reinforcement of a miserable existence. The paycheck doesn’t look sexy anymore, the atta boys and atta girls begin to sound condescending and you are close to telling your boss to as a wise co-worker once said, “go play in traffic.” Worry no more my weary Corporate Hood muchacho/a, there is hope. Take those lemons and make lemon meringue pie. Here are three ways you can ease the pain of the hustle and grind of the rat race.
1. Start an Online Business.
If like most Corporate Hood employees you find yourself surfing the internet more frequently then you might consider converting that to a side hustle and learn how to build an Android App or create an online internet dating website for employees at your job.
2. Take some Me time before work.
Warning: Doing the following things 15 minutes before clocking in might cause lateness syndrome. Check your Facebook posts, play Candy Crush and or Pet Saga. Go to Starbucks again, check your emails, call your friend who is already at work and then one minute before you should have already been at your desk, rush out of the parking lot as if your life depended on it. By the time you get to your desk, you will give the illusion that you really care to be at work.
3. Project Management Avoidance.
Unless you care about the bigger picture and want to be on #TEAMWINNER this isn’t for you. Now, for the rest of us, here is the plan. Most likely you are either working from an Excel spreadsheet or a proprietary database where all the information is housed. Sometime during the work day just unplug the computer and tell NO ONE what happened. If your B-O-S-S is in another state even better. When he/she calls in for a status let them know there were computer issues and you have called IT to look into it. Immediately after lunch just plug the computer back in and resume business as usual.
It’s your gurl Lady Cheetah and I am out.
Posted: September 2, 2014 in Jungle Hustle, Jungle Work Life, Rat Race Saga, Rat Race University
Tags: #TeamWinner, boss, candy crush, computers, coping mechanism, emails, Facebook, give the illusion like you care, lateness syndrome, me time, Pet Saga, procrastination at its finest, project management avoidance, start online business, strategy, tech savy, unplug
You know there are times when you know you have to handle your business. Waiting is not an option. Driving home to use your own bathroom because you live right up the street from work is not a luxury that many can afford. So you are left to do the needful. Relieve yourself from the burdens of this ole world.
It has been my professional corporate hood experience that workplace bathrooms can be just as nasty and disgusting as night club bathrooms, so we would do well to exercise sanitary caution. In order to promote a safe and clean bathroom experience let me provide a few of the ongoing dilemmas and propose a few solutions.
The Big Dump
Sometimes entering workplace bathrooms is like preparing for battle minus the gas mask. You know what I am talking about, those big nasty dumps oozing with the aroma of disgusting farts. These are not to be confused with the psychologically acceptable farts that sound like trumpets minus the gaseous fumes or the quiet but well-timed pearl farts that clap as if to give the suspecting fellow bathroom listener an iTune beat. I mean those down-right nasty, STAKIN’ ATOMIC BOMB farts that cause future victims to hold their breath and run for the hills. You know the kind that has you on a witch hunt looking for bathrooms on the third, fourth, even the fifth floor because God forbid you picked up the fumes of the guilty toilet bowl offender.
Solution: Be proactive. Plan and strategize in advance. Locate a nice quiet place with low traffic and an easy escape route (like an elevator or stair case) and bring a trial size of Clorox to sanitize the toilet bowl to de-funk-i-fy before you exit.
Missing Butt Wipes
Ah! The success that comes with a new promotion which brings me to my next point. Perhaps promotion means entitlement and entitlement means take a roll of toilet tissue to use at home? How come the bathrooms are never fully stocked? Do you know how frustrating it is to rush to the bathroom right before the conference call, never bother to look only to discover there is no toilet tissue?
Solution: Observe and journal. If the bathroom smells like hot collard greens, cheese doodles, and tortilla chips and it is only 10 a.m., bring your own stash of baby wipes and don’t tell a soul. If need be, you might have to put your feet up in the stall in case someone is waiting to use the bathroom after you so they won’t blame you for using up all the non-existent toilet tissue.
Understandably there are some who are super conscious of their health and will not use the paper covers on the toilet seats. Instead some opt to squat or stand man-vertical and splatter making it rain on the toilet seat.
Solution: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.
Weave Me Alone
This is a hard one because I am not sure if the suspect was primping in the mirror, minding her own business after she finished or was trying to correct her style for pleasing aesthetic purposes right before hitting the club after work. Nevertheless, a piece of her glory lies helplessly on the floor or it is clutching a portion of the toilet bowl. You know that part right in between the flusher thigamagiggy and the toilet seat.
Solution: Fire your weavologist.
It’s your gurl Lady Cheetah. Be good in the Corporate Hood.
Posted: August 26, 2014 in Jungle Hustle, Jungle Work Life, Rat Race Saga
Tags: atomic bomb farts, bathroom smells, bathrooms are like going to war, corporate hood, missing butt wipes, missing toilet tissue, nasty farts, preparing for battle, rain droplets, sanitary caution, the big dump, toilet bowl ettiquette, toilet bowl users, weave all over the floor, workplace bathrooms
To the Most Excellent WP Bloggers.
As I sat in deep contemplative and awesome wonder, my thoughts pontificating with such fervency and brilliance, it is no wonder that it occurred to me like a bright and shining star that I should be persuaded by the illustrious power of my ink sword (or in this case by the might and speed of my nimble fingers upon the keyboard) to
write type this unto you.
It is most needful for me and necessary to say…I will be blogging on Tuesdays henceforth and forevermore or until further notice. It is easier to update both of my blogs (this one and Straitupword.com) on one day reducing my blogging schedule for the whole week. Now, on to the good stuff.
The Non-pretentious Employee
If only the corporate trolls would accept this as their fate work would be such a glorious experience.
The Truth We Sometimes Need to Share
I say sometimes because if this is your boss, well it is obvious you need to keep your job.
The Year Round Reality Obvious in August
For some people there is no hope. Corporate leeches!
Posted: August 19, 2014 in Jungle Work Life, Rat Race Saga
Tags: corporate hood, Happy Tuesday, helpless, lazy coworkers, needy coworkers, new blogging schedule, no good coworkers, rat race, tidbits of August Wisdom, way too much pontificating in this blog
Shut the front door…
All I was trying to do was upload a video because I need to expand my horizons and skill set in the area of technology and now WP tells me I need to pay $60 for an upgrade?
Just writing to say that I am coming back hopefully early to mid august as I am still on my grind and it is hard for a sistah to get some jungle respect but some things are more persistent in their resistance than others. Nevertheless, I am still Lady Cheetah and suckers take note to hearing me ROAR!
I tried to upload a video on my You-tube channel Lady E and so I go into a little more detail. I am not doing any kind of weave, vegan, blogging, PX90, Blaisian (black-Asian relationships) persuasion, interracial couples, why I got saved, knit-booties.com, why I don’t like my momma tutorials. I am having fun and looking for ideas. Besides You-Tube is the new cable for me.
Looking forward to reconnecting WP’ers.
Posted: July 12, 2014 in Jungle Work Life
Will resume regularly scheduled blogging when I have conquered and slayed the dragons of life. :-)
Posted: May 9, 2014 in Jungle Work Life